When I do the dishes, I often look out from the kitchen window and notice this heart shaped rock.
And it makes me smile. Especially when I think about my own heart and it’s own wild transformations that have taken place during the last year.
An incredible thought struck me today. I was listening to the radio and I can’t remember what song came on, but the words prompted me to think back over the past year. All 365 days worth– back to February 2013. What was I doing this time a year ago?
And then it hit me: Ah, yes. I was sitting on Dr. L’s exam table, bawling my eyes out while discussing the idea of getting a hysterectomy. So many tears. So much pain.
It was such a dark time in my life, filled with deep despair and regret. How I wished I had gone on birth control much sooner in my life so that I wouldn’t have gotten so many endometriomas and needed so many surgeries. And when my unsettling symptoms were beginning to appear in my early twenties, how I wished I had sought out more help in getting a diagnosis in the first place. But none of the past could be changed, and there I was, with eyes barely able to see beyond the day I was living in, let alone get a glimpse what hopeful changes an entire year might bring.
On that day I poured out my sadness and grief on my blog, and accurately titled it Heart Sick. Because that’s what I was living with those days– a horrible heartache that no one but God alone could heal.
What’s really neat is that God healed much of the ache in my heart before we even started IVF, or got pregnant for that matter. That’s because the wound wasn’t formed by endometriosis, multiple surgeries, infertility, an empty nursery, or any of those things. It formed out of my own disbelief in God. And out of my own unwillingness to trust God for my future, a nasty wound started tunneling deep into my heart. The more I despaired, the deeper the wound got. The wound had nothing to do with God, and everything to do with me and my lack of faith.
If there’s anything this journey has taught me, it’s that life’s situations change constantly– they threaten to cause anxiety, to wound, to shaken. But no external factor can single handedly shaken or steal our faith and our trust in God without our permission. That’s our domain and in our control. And I hope I’ll remember that in years to come.
After three awful despairing weeks, I repented of my distrusting heart to the Lord. And suddenly a prayerful plan was formed. We put our adoption on hold and started the process for IVF. I had no idea if the Lord would allow me to get pregnant. All I knew was that regardless of the results, I had to keep trusting God through it, because that was what I had committed to do: To trust the Lord through any circumstance, through children or none.
And so, as I was listening to the radio today, tears came to my eyes when I thought of the despair I was choosing to live in a year ago and how 365 days later I am now just days away from delivering our precious baby boy. God was faithful regardless of whether He chose to give us a son, but I can’t help feeling incredibly blessed. And when I forget these things (as I am apt to do), I will look out into my back yard and see little my heart rock, and be reminded once again of God’s faithfulness and steadfast character.