Any of you out there who who grew up listening to Psalty’s song, “One Step at a Time” are familiar with the idea that climbing a mountain, whether physically or metaphorically, doesn’t happen immediately. The climb is taken one step at a time. So it is true with adoption. The process is so painstakingly slow, so slow that it feels at times that we are a complete stand-still, only to lift our eyes up to the top of the mountain and wonder if we will ever make it.
Major first step completed!
To the left of me in this picture you see our kitchen table. For about a month, various morphing piles of papers have been scattered about this table top. “To be completed” piles, “For hubby to sign” piles, and “For Emily to sign” piles.” Additionally, there have been piles labeled, “Education to be completed,” and lastly, “Completed!”
As the month went by, the number of piles of paper needing to be completed grew smaller and the single pile labeled “completed!” grew larger. We had to do everything from getting physicals, TB tests and drug screens from our doctors to paying for live scans and DMV driving reports, as well creating a living will and writing in detail about our views regarding open adoption. And that is only a small portion of the items necessary for this process! Additionally, our friends had to submit paperwork vouching for our character as well as our employer managers.
So it is with great excitement and expectation for the future that I took this precious packet full of long, labored hours to the post office this morning. Although there are still many steps to go, we’re making progress– and for the first time in a while it doesn’t feel as if I’m looking to the top of the mountain from the base.
I’m wondering: After we adopt, will I still have a sense of loss due to that fact that I can’t get pregnant? I highly suspect that the pain will be lessened, but will it disappear altogether? Will my heart still ache when friends announce to me their newly discovered pregnancies? Or will that twinge of sadness be gone?
The other day I was reading in the book of Mark and I came across the verse,
“They laid the sick in the market and implored Him that they might touch even the fringe of His garment. And as many as touched it were made well.” (Mark 6:56, esv)
How often I’ve wished that I had been there. To see Jesus in person for the first time — to actually see God in flesh! And to think, that by just touching the fringe of his garment, a seemingly benign move — He would have healed me of my endometriosis. The thought of being physically near my Savior and being healed completely exhilarates me.
There are days when I am simply annoyed by my endometriosis — the fact that it causes daily physical pain. Other days, the the annoyance goes much deeper and transforms into despair– and I must fight it with every shred of hope and trust that I have in the Lord.
It helps that we are making progress with our huge stack of adoption paperwork. It’s almost completed! There are several more steps to be taken, but we have almost made it past the first giant hurdle.
And yet I don’t want to go into adoption blindly thinking that it will “solve” all of my infertility woes. So I am asking for your help, dear reader. I would love to know your story, and what your thoughts are on this topic. Have you experienced complete freedom after adopting? Or does the pain of infertility still linger?