I’m not a very good journal-keeper, but I do jot down some thoughts here and there as the year goes by. I find that I tend to write more when I’m sad or distressed about something, or conversely, when something really amazing has happened. So my writing slowed down quite a bit when I decided that I’d rather write about the norms of daily life and God working in the midst of it, instead of when I’m experiencing despair or exuberant joy. Unfortunately, I just haven’t had (or made) the time to keep writing in my journal as of late.
I did a little “looking back” into my journal today to remember my journey through infertility and now adoption. I did this because we are now completed with our adoption process and we are just “waiting” for placement. It’s a very exciting time for us! We have been slowly getting ready for our intended baby — we bought a crib, a car seat, some baby clothes and other baby items… not everything we will need when the time comes; just the necessities. Little by little we have been preparing to add to our family. I don’t know whether the Lord will bless us with a boy or a girl, or even what ethnicity he or she will be. I don’t know if he or she will be just delivered or maybe a few weeks old? But I know that my heart is prepared to love whatever child the Lord gives us with all of it’s capacity.
We started our adoption journey in late February. Actually, on the day of my birthday. I looked back to see if I had written anything in my journal in February. It turns out I had, on Valentine’s day, just a few days before my birthday. It would appear I was desperately struggling that day! Here’s some of what I wrote:
“Once again I find myself asking God — rather pleading with God — for a baby. Asking for a miracle, and yet asking for blessed contentment at the same time. These roots of bitterness seem to pierce my heart at the most unexpected moments… I am walking through life thankful for the blessings that I take part in, and then, BOOM! A close friend tells me she’s pregnant. And repeat… again and again. All my friends are bearing children right now, after all we are all in our child-bearing years! The thing is, this is how life is going to be — for many more years, I am sure. So I must dry off these tears, and cling to Christ; trusting that this is His purpose and His good plan for me. I MUST count on future blessings that are invisible to me. And above all, I must be fulfilled by the One who created me.”
Oh… yes. Now I remember how “stuck” I felt before we started this adoption process. How I remember feeling like I would never, ever, have a child. That as much as I longed for a child, that didn’t necessarily mean that the Lord would allow it. Oh, the pity parties I fell into. The tears that seemed to come from a source that never dried up.
Today we have no children, but I’m praying for a whole house-full of them to be ours someday. A whole quiver-full of children. I want to be a mommy, to run and play and to have fun, to teach them all that I know and learn new things together. I want to build forts, play capture the flag and make jewelry together. I want to teach them to bake and to give generously to others. Most of all, I want to love them deeply with the love God has put in my heart. And so I ask — and keep asking– these things of God.
In the meantime, I’m still clinging to Christ.
Psalm 127:4-5a “Like arrows in the hand of the warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!”