Category Archives: Infertility

Our Ongoing Home Reno & Other Updates

Hey there!

Here’s a little update on life for us these days.

House

We moved to our new fixer upper home almost 7 months ago. I joke with hubby that we ought to just dig a big hole in the backyard and start throwing money into it, because it has been one giant money pit! A mold report that came back showing high levels of (non toxic) mold less than a month after we bought the house really pushed us to replace the areas were there had been water exposure (floors, under kitchen sink) much faster than we had originally planned. ¬†And then the snowball just started rolling as one thing led to another. That’s home renovation for you, I suppose!

Here’s a list of some of the things we’ve redone since we moved in:

Tear out back deck (was structurally unsafe).

Deck (removed).

New carpet in family room and bedrooms:

I didn’t really have any “carpet” pictures, but you can kind of see it here.

Removed wall between dining room and kitchen:

Before. (This wall drove me nuts because I couldn’t keep track of the kids!)

After. I love it!

Laminate in kitchen, fireplace room, hallway and master closet:

Closet doors (two sets), screen door, side garage door:

Tile floors in laundry room and kids’ bathroom:

I tried to pick tile that matched the laminate.

Replaced Kitchen counter tops, sink (chipping), faucet & garbage disposal (leaked whenever running):

Before. This wasn’t too long after we moved in.

Before.

After. My inner clean freak is very happy with having quartz counter tops now!

Tile back splash in kitchen (which we had to add because there was a big gap between the counter tops and the wall):

Pulled out melamine desk/cabinets and put in smaller desk area with upper shelving:

Replaced furnace and A/C (yes we wanted to cry when we learned we needed to replace BOTH):

New A/C.

Dishwasher (which died right after the furnace and A/C – more crying, hehe). New dishwasher will be here in two weeks.

Replaced fridge (died on moving day), stove and microwave.

Painted bathroom vanities and kitchen cabinets:

Painted ENTIRE house (including ceilings).

Replaced almost all light fixtures and 2 out of 3 fans (we saved the only one that worked).

Whew! That wasn’t even a comprehensive list. And what’s sadder is that the “to do” list is still a mile long! The bottom line, however, is that we LOVE living here. We love the space (1/2 acre), the neighborhood, the proximity to hubby’s work, and also the fact that we live super close to my in laws! (And as a side note, both my parents and my hubby’s Dad were instrumental in helping us get a lot of the above list completed!)

Kids

Josh & Rachel are doing fine. Josh is just over 3 and Rachel is 20 months. I sure do love them and enjoy my days with them. I know everyone else has adorable/smart/funny kids, but some days I seriously wonder which state penitentiary my kids will end up at–because they can be quite devious! Some days Josh and I really do battle it out. I’m no marshmellow Mom in any sense of the word, so I often have to remember to look for ways that I can answer “yes” instead of “no.” Rachel is very determined and doesn’t give up easily either, but she does have much shorter tantrums, which I am thankful for!

I like to remember the following so please tune out if this is crazy boring (I imagine it would be to most):

Josh wears 3T clothing and wears a an 8/9 shoe. He weighs 31.6# (No joke, he’s weighed exactly 31.6# the last several times he’s asked to hop on the scale!) and a few months ago he was just over 3 feet tall. We took away his paci back in April and it wasn’t a big deal at all (we were shocked! And thankful…).

Rachel wears 18-24 months clothing and is somewhere between a size 5 or 6 shoe. She is only a few inches shorter than Josh. She still doesn’t have to many words, but she’s working on it every day. She’s been in a size 5 diaper for a while. I use Pampers diapers and water only wipes or else she tends to be prone to really bad diaper rash.

Don’t be fooled. They’re wanna-be felons, I tell you! ūüôā

Weight Loss

I wrote a while back about experiencing unintended weight loss. I’m happy to report that out of the 16# I lost, I gained 7-8# of it back and that seems to be where things have settled. I’m not unhappy about it, but I do wish I had a better appetite most days so that cooking would feel less like a chore.

Endometriosis

I don’t really want to go on and on when it comes to this topic. The synopsis is: The endo does seem to be back. Some months are bad and some are okay. I cut out caffeine back in February which seemed to really help with pain levels. I still seem quite unable to get pregnant without intervention (IVF), so that’s a drag. At the same time, I have little to no desire to go through IVF again (not that we could afford it right now after all these home repairs!). I’ve been thinking about my options for when things DO get consistently bad, pain-wise. One option is to see a specialist who would excise all endo (cutting it out, rather than burning it off) and see how far that gets me. Another option would be to do a hysterectomy and also have current endo excised. This may still not alleviate pain (endo grows back easily and hides, so that it can be tricky even for specialists to find) and I still may require further surgeries. In all honesty, I’m hoping avoid any surgeries at all, because the frequent pain I get from adhesions and scar tissue following surgeries is off the charts.

Well I think that covers some of the basics! Thanks for sticking it through the post!

 

5 Comments

Filed under Baby, DIY, Endometriosis, Finances, Infertility, IVF, Motherhood, Pain, Parenting, Toddler

HSG Results

I am in shock.

The last time I had an HSG done (4 years ago), one tube was blocked with water in it (and then surgically removed) and the other tube was barely open. And when I say “barely,” I mean it! It took a long time to get a little drop of dye through it. When I asked the radiologist if the tube was open, he responded “Well… Not really. But there was a little dye that went through.”

So imagine my shock this morning when I had another HSG test done and my tube was not only open, but VERY open! The dye went through it right away! Wait… what?!

This totally feels like a miracle. I’m not used to getting good news after tests like these! We are rejoicing at the good news!

 

2 Comments

Filed under Endometriosis, Infertility

Our Hope is in Christ

Our kids were both dedicated this morning at our Christian church. Before the congregation, we pledged to pray over and to train up our children in the Lord. This is not a requirement in any way for the Christian parent; it is simply a special time devoted to praying specifically for our children as a church congregation, as well as an opportunity to publicly declare our intention of raising our children to know Christ.

I’ve been looking forward to this day for months. It wasn’t so very long ago that we were wrestling with infertility and the daunting thought that we might not ever be parents. How I cried out to the Lord repeatedly, reminding Him about Hannah and Sarah (as if He needed to be reminded) and some other barren Biblical women who were blessed with children. God certainly doesn’t promise us children, so I didn’t pretend to believe that we would be parents someday. We just didn’t know what would happen, and as the years went by and the likelihood of needing a hysterectomy went up, we lived with a lot of pain and turmoil.

But then God blessed us; not with one child, but two. We don’t deserve children, but He had mercy on us.

How grateful my heart was this morning, thinking that we could have arrived at church this morning still barren. Still fighting endometriosis. Still having surgeries. But we didn’t.

And yet, it’s not all about having children, or raising children, or being a mother or a father. These children of ours are wonderful and grant us great purpose for a time. But children are not our hope– our hope is in Christ! And¬†how we thank him for His tender mercies on us.

DSC08674

Our families came alongside to worship with us this morning and to pray over our children. After the service, my brother in law took our family picture outside the church. I’m still amazed at the color of the plants behind us!

DSC08685

Hebrews 6:19-20: We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek. (NIV)

6 Comments

Filed under Baby, Endometriosis, Infertility, Worship

If I Only Had A Brain

In my opinion, there are two major categories that coincide with pregnancy. One is insomnia. The other is forgetfulness (affectionately termed “prego brain.”) This week, I’ve been dealing with both and instead of sleeping I’m up eating a bowl of cereal and putting these rambling thoughts down on paper. (And to spare you the nuisance I’m also avoiding making a dumb forgetful memory joke, because, come on — that would just be a little too unoriginal right now.)

I worked last night at the hospital and it’s becoming apparent to me that my memory has become quite bad. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure if it’s because I haven’t worked much over the past year or if it’s pregnancy affecting this noggin’ of mine, or what? My husband claims it’s pregnancy, but it’s getting kind of pathetic at work. Someone will ask me a question: “Hey, where do we keep _____?” (fill in the blank with some random medical item), or, “How do I change out this drainage chamber?” or {insert pretty much any nursing/work related question}. I find myself standing there, scratching my head, saying “Gee, I used to know the answer to that, but I totally forgot!” I feel like a complete moron most of the time! And it’s just not happening at work, either. In fact, I made a list of all the things I need to accomplish in the next ten weeks (before the baby comes) because from day to day I completely forget what those things are. My husband has always lamented that he has a terrible memory but announced that he’s happy that the playing field is finally leveled while I’m pregnant–ha! All I can say is that I sure hope my memory decides to reinhabit my body after the baby comes!

As for sleep, when I got off last night I managed to sleep for 3.5 broken up hours. I can’t even blame Josh, who has been sleeping 12-13 hours through the night uninterrupted for weeks now (we’re soaking it in before the baby comes!). Last week, I had probably 4 nights in a row where I averaged 3-4 hours of sleep a night. But the week before that I slept pretty well. Pregnancy insomnia comes in waves for me and thankfully it comes and goes (well, it’s mostly just comes toward the end of the third trimester). I don’t tend to stress about the lack of sleep, but this morning I really wanted to make it to church and wasn’t sure how that would happen on such little sleep. Thanks be to God, (and to my husband who pulled most of the pieces together to get our toddler and the 59 other toddler items we needed like snacks, water bottle, extra diapers/wipes, toys, etc, out the door) we actually made it on time (for once) and I downed my daily allotment of coffee on the way which helped. So, not much sleep happening here, but thankfully we’re still getting on with life fairly well.

Aside from poor memory and sleep, another issue I’ve been battling these days has been feeling poorly about my appearance. Being pregnant this time around has revealed to me my issues with vanity. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but I am way bigger this time around. I have found myself not wanting to even go out in public as I feel like a spectacle to watch and also dread people’s questions and comments. Another coworker last night saw my belly and basically asked if¬†I was due any day (I have ten weeks to go). I’ve never had to work hard to maintain (or really even to lose) weight. I eat moderately but have never dieted. For my entire life, my figure has pretty much been on auto-pilot. But now the pounds are adding up¬†and it freaks me out a little more than I care to admit. The comments about my size bother me more than I’d like to share, also. Someone the other day lightheartedly joked that I had a serious “eating problem” and even though I know he was joking and that it was just his way of saying “you’re pregnant!” I just couldn’t seem to get the comment out of my head. The result is that the Lord has revealed pride and fear in me — which I have at times allowed to suck away my joy in preparing for this baby girl. It’s awful and I have repented of it. But I still struggle, and I think I will continue to do so until I deem that my ‘size’ appropriately fits whatever gestational ‘week’ I am in (which is silly and not helpful at all).

Lastly, I am struggling in knowing how to reach out to friends who are currently walking through infertility. This may seem crazy, given the years of infertility we went through, or it may seem very plausible given that we have a 16 month old son and are expecting baby #2 soon. I want to reach out, to bless if I can … but I don’t want to be the cause of more tears (pregnant women, pregnancy announcements, and baby showers are almost always a trigger for women going through infertility). In some ways our ‘story’ is encouraging and offers hope to those who are facing infertility. But it depends on one’s perspective and, ultimately, one’s trust in the Lord — that He is sufficient whether one has several children or none. In the meantime,¬†I’m asking the Lord for wisdom and planning for now to reach out. We’ll see how it goes.

Thanks for reading my sleep deprived thoughts. I plan to update again next week at 32 weeks!

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Baby, Infertility, Pregnancy, Toddler

Letting Go… Or Not?

I think this is probably not a new struggle for a gal who’s been through years of infertility, but who also has been amazingly blessed with children. We went through IVF once and two FET’s. We have baby #2 (a girl!) on the way this fall and I think it’s highly unlikely we will go through another IVF again. We would love to have more children, but don’t want to risk getting more embryos than we can actually transfer in, should we do another round of IVF.

So that leaves lots of room for God to work a miracle if we end up having another child (naturally).

The source of my dilemma is actually over stuff. Baby stuff. Lots and lots of baby stuff. It is filling (my husband would say ‘taking over’) our garage. And every last nook and cranny we can find to cram it into. We have almost all boy stuff (minus some gender neutral stuff) and I hate to get rid of it in case God does work a miracle and brings us another boy some day. But God has never promised me another son (or daughter, for that matter). I have absolutely no idea what the future holds. So would it be unwise to keep all this boy baby stuff in the hopes that someday God might bless us in that way? It would be nice not to have to buy/search for cheap baby things– should that day come — but on the other hand I’m wondering if ¬†not “letting go” isn’t such a great idea, spiritually and mentally.

I’m sure there are many of you out there who had hoped for more children at some point and had to make similar decisions. Any thoughts?

 

2 Comments

Filed under Baby, Infertility, IVF

Injections & Headaches

Injections for our embryo transfer¬†are under way. Gave my first IM shot on Monday! I didn’t even feel it! Since I started the process for the FET on Oct. 2, it feel like it’s been a long month of meds and headaches. I’m so thankful we’ve only got 11 more days to go until they transfer in those embryos! Not that many of my meds will change, and I’ll still have to give myself shots after that (at least until we know if I’m pregnant or not), but this initial period of sorting out my TSH and getting acclimated to new medications will be DONE!

What a huge difference between going through IVF last year and going through the FET this year. I’ve learned so much about the Lord and myself during this space of time. Last year I was a complete basket case. I cried a lot during IVF and during the two week wait (2WW) until the blood test to find out if I was pregnant or not. I could barely hold it together, and I was so afraid to HOPE. But other than feeling fatigued,¬†I really didn’t feel that bad with all the medications I was on at the time. Fast forward a year and some months… this time around I have complete peace about our FET. I don’t know if I’ll get pregnant, but I pray for it daily. I know it’ll be really hard if I don’t get pregnant, though. On the flip side, this round has been very tough physically. I’ve had headache almost every day for FIVE WEEKS. It’s been a total pain! I thought back and I think there have been 3 days where I did not have a headache.

My RE said he thinks the headaches are caused by the Lupron, even though I told him I’ve had the headaches for 5 weeks and I’ve only been on the Lupron for 2 weeks. He gave me the option to stop the thyroid medicine (he said he thought it was doubtful that it was causing the headaches). But it’s the only thing I’ve been on consistently for the last 5 weeks. I feel a little nervous to stop it as the research shows that a higher TSH is linked with miscarriages. But my TSH wasn’t that high to begin with (2.6). So I’m going to pray about stopping it today. Because I’m tired of functioning so poorly with these headaches. My concentration has become very poor.

So that’s the news. Not a lot to report, it’s kind of the same old story: “Blah blah blah headaches blah blah headaches…”

Thanks for praying for us!

4 Comments

Filed under FET, Infertility, IVF

Update on Upcoming FET

I thought I might as well give another update. I found out a few days ago that the FET will take more like 7 weeks instead of 5. I think it’s basically a scheduling thing with my infertility clinic due to the fact that they only do embryo transfers on certain weeks of the month and they try to get as many people on the same schedule as possible to make their lives simpler.

I finally started on birth control 3 nights ago to start regulating my hormones and prevent ovulation. I’ll be on that for another 21 days and then have to go through another period. Out of all of the medicines I have to take, birth control pills are my least favorite. I woke up extremely nauseous 3 nights ago from it and felt lousy all day, and I’m up again feeling nauseous tonight (it’s 4:30 am).

My thyroid level (TSH) was retested and came back at 2.6. I thought I was pretty much in the clear, since my RE’s cut off is 2.5, ¬†but he had me start on levothyroxine. So far that that has been okay, but it has completely diminished my appetite. I’m on a low dosage (25 mcg) and will get my level checked again in 2 weeks.

The embryo transfer is scheduled for 11/18. Feels really far away right now! I have a saline infusion sonogram (SIS) scheduled for Tuesday. This is a procedure where they will inject sterile saline into my uterus and use ultrasound to look for any polyps, fibroids, or anything else that might get in the way of an embryo implanting. I’m sure I had this done last year when we went through IVF, but I don’t remember it! I have to take 5 days of antibiotics for it and they told me to take 800 mg Ibuprofen prior to the procedure as it can be painful.

Right I’m praying that I can remain sane on the birth control pills. They make me a little crazy. My husband says my ability to deal with conflict on birth control is pretty bad, and I tend to agree. I have a hard time shaking off disappointments when I’m on it. I thought I would only have to take it for 8-9 days like last time, but it will be longer. Thankfully it is just for a short season!

 

 

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under FET, Infertility

Date Night & Pondering Life With Twins

I could hardly sleep two nights ago because, A) We were to meet with our IVF doctor yesterday (I guess I was excited/scared/nervous), and because B) my husband and I had a date night planned for the evening that day as well. By 5 am I gave up on sleeping, got up and showered, and headed to the grocery store. 6 am is an usual time for shopping, but man is it the way to go! I just about had the entire store to myself. But onto more interesting things…

Josh, my husband and I made the trip yesterday morning the infertility clinic. I admit I had mixed emotions about bringing Josh with us– after all, there’s nothing harder than sitting in those waiting room chairs while you’re hoping and praying for a positive pregnancy test, and having babies around you. (I’ll never forget waiting for an appointment in my Ob/Gyn’s office one time because I had a cyst and needed surgery, only to look around and discover that I was the only person in the room who wasn’t pregnant. It feels like salt in a wound!) In any case, I didn’t really have a baby sitter, and I knew the clinic nurses would want to see Josh. (Not to mention our IVF doctor.)

We had a consultation with our doctor, and he went over the statistics of me getting pregnant and the chances of having twins (if they transfer in two of the embryos), what the timeline looked liked, etc. We also reviewed the medications I’d be taking and injections with the nurse.

It was all pretty much old news. There were only two things that caught me off guard. Now I knew that the 4 embryos we had were of top notch quality. I hate to refer to human life that way (all human life is extraordinary!), but there is a grading system they use to decipher if there is cell fragmentation, how far progressed the embryos got prior to freezing, etc. All of our embryos are blastocysts (meaning they have survived for more than 5 days prior to freezing and have developed past the 8 or 10 cell stage to more like 100+ cells) and there is little or no fragmentation, earning them a score of an “A.” After I got pregnant with Josh, our doctor told us that when we did an embryo transfer, he would recommend that they transfer in 2, since they transferred in 2 before and I got pregnant with Josh and not twins. So all along, we had been thinking that 2 of our or embryos would be transferred. But then as we were sitting at the table in the consultation room, our doctor announced that he recommended 1 embryo, because he seemed to think that I had a really good chance of getting pregnant again. He asked about my work, and when I told him I worked very minimally, he said, “Well, you might do okay being pregnant with twins then.”¬†My husband and I just looked at each other. The thought of twins really freaks me out. Not to mention the fact that I would probably voluntarily put myself on some sort of modified bed rest at 24 weeks to help ensure that we wouldn’t have 24 weeks twins in the NICU. And how would that work with a toddler? I have no idea. But conversely, if we transfer 1 in and I get pregnant, then that means we would probably keep transferring in 1 at a time until all 4 embryo have had a chance to survive. Best case scenario (assuming I get pregnant each time), that would be 4 embryo transfers, 4 more pregnancies, and a lot of money we would have to come up with while probably living on one income.

Lastly, there’s possibility that I might not get pregnant at all, and all this dithering would be for nothing.

The hubs and I went out on our date last night (thanks to his mom for baby-sitting!) to a fun burger place and hashed around the different possibilities of 1 embryo vs. 2, etc. I was shocked to discover that he was leaning toward 2. But it probably has to do with the statistics our doctor gave us which mainly imply that the chances of twins are low. Here are the stats:

Probability of getting pregnant if 2 are transferred in: 65-70%

-Chances of twins: 30%

Probability of getting pregnant if 1 transferred in: 50%

Chances of identical twins: 1%

I was more imagining trying to nurse 2 babies, and as Josh hadn’t slept well for the past 3 nights, I was imaging not one, but THREE young children all crying during the night–for most nights. And pretty much never sleeping. I was imagining carrying around Josh in the ergo front pack while pushing a double stroller. Oh, and don’t forget the triple high chairs! But the most concerning part to me was trying to be a good parent to Josh while simultaneously trying to keep twins in utero. And I really have no idea how that would work.

But am I willing to sacrifice a lot to have a family? To take love and cherish how ever many children God gives us?

You bet I am.

In the end, we decided we simply needed to pray and hear from the Lord on the matter. It’s as simple as that. We may get 0, 1 or 2 babies. As I have learned again and again, HIS plans and HIS ways are best. Always. What feels like an insurmountable challenge of twins may not be. The dread of getting a negative pregnancy test result might not be as devastating as it seems if that time comes. I have to look back and remember that when my Ob/Gyn told me I had another endometrioma and that I needed another surgery, I was devastated– but that was what pushed us to pursue IVF. At the time I thought I would never have children, and he we are considering the possibility of a second pregnancy. If you had told me this 18 months ago, I would have never believed you.

So, thanks for keeping us in your prayers. We’ll be starting this process in just a couple of weeks! Crazy!

Leave a comment

Filed under Baby, Endometriosis, Infertility, IVF, Pregnancy

Moving Forward

It’s taken me a while to muster up the courage to write this blog post. For a while I’ve been thinking that maybe I just wanted to have a more private life, and that I didn’t really want to broadcast on this blog the latest, the greatest, the saddest or¬†the baddest happening in my life. Maybe I should stop blogging altogether, I thought.

Looking back, I didn’t blog much (okay, actually not at all) before, during and after we went through IVF. At the time, I felt that I couldn’t. I was realized that this was mostly due to the crippling fear I had that it wouldn’t work.

But then the Lord gave us Josh. A blessing greater than I could have ever surmised.

Since I find¬†myself wanting to retreat from this blog again, you might have guessed why: We’re headed towards a frozen embryo transfer (FET) soon.

It seems a little soon,” you might say. And as Josh is a handful of¬†days¬†away from¬†turning 6 months old, you would be quite correct. It is early. We had hoped to wait longer, so that my body could have more time to recover and so that I could keep nursing Josh for at least a year. But things didn’t turn out as planned (when do they ever?). If you read my blog much, you might remember my post about never ending PMS symptoms. At the time I felt pregnant. For a month I had nausea, heartburn, fatigue, bloating, cramping, spotting… which finally resulted in my first postpartum period, 30 days later. I felt relieved, as it meant my month of PMS torture was finally over. But at the same time, my heart sank. I knew that it meant my (aggressive) endometriosis would be able rear it’s ugly head again, and conceivably soon. In the past, I’ve gotten endometriomas (chocolate cysts) in just two months. That’s right– in just two cycles I had been diagnosed with two endometriomas and scheduled¬†for surgery. And since I’ve had surgery three times, I’m not into waiting it out ¬†to see how it goes. I’ve got 4 other embryos to think about, and I don’t want to risk having to have a hysterectomy or having multiple surgeries that might impair their ability to implant and grow. Our IVF doctor, taking the aggressive nature of my endometriosis into consideration, thinks it’s a wise plan of action to do the FET soon.

The biggest downside to doing the embryo transfer soon is that I had to wean Josh. I found it quite an easy thing to talk about and a much harder thing to actually do. Now, before I go on, I must say¬†that nursing Josh has not been an easy feat. I didn’t write about it on this blog, but I dealt with Josh’s tongue-tie, multiple block ducts, never ending milk blisters, a mastitis scare (basically fever, chills and body aches that self resolved), low milk supply, and lots and lots of Josh crying with frustration while nursing. Often times, I would cry too. Despite all of the hardships that came along with nursing, I found it unbelievably hard to give up. I planned to make it as non-traumatic as possible–starting with one bottle a day with something like 3/4 breast milk and 1/4 formula, while slowly adjusting the ratio over time so that it was only formula, and slowly substituting nursing with bottle feedings over the course of a month. But¬†Josh would have none of it. By the third day of my “plan” (remember, my plans don’t work out very often) Josh was completely refusing the bottle, even if it was solely¬†breast milk. So, I had to force the issue and had to wait it out until he was thirsty enough to A) take the bottle, and B) take the formula all by itself. I felt awful during this process and cried buckets of tears. It was also a hit to my body to go from nursing 6-7 times a day to not at all. Talk about dropping prolactin levels! I prayed and asked God to not let Josh go 3 days or something horrible like refusing the bottle and without fluids. And to my great relief, he didn’t! He actually didn’t go any great length of time at all. I nursed him Friday night (his last time nursing) and when he woke up crying at 4 am, I gave him a bottle with formula and he took 2-3 oz. He sucked it down and sat happily in my lap while doing so. Now he is really cuddly and even cries sometimes if I don’t get the bottle in his mouth fast enough, taking anywhere from 4-5 oz at a time. So, although things didn’t go according to my plan, they still went remarkably well and sped up the process much faster than I could have imagined. And for all my attempts over the past 6 months to give Josh a bottle here and there, and to give him formula occasionally — well, let’s just say that it was pretty much pointless in the end.

I’m not sure when the embryo transfer will be (probably in the next month or two?) but I covet your prayers. I’m surrounded by fears again — such as: What if I don’t get pregnant? Or if I do get pregnant: What if I have another incredibly painful pregnancy, this time with a toddler to care for also? What if it’s twins and I deliver prematurely? What if it’s twins and one of them dies? And on and on the worries can build. But it’s just another opportunity to seek the Lord, to ask for another child, to rest and to not spin these worries out of control. I have to look around me and see all that He has done, and how greatly I have been blessed!

And now that I have gotten over my initial fear by letting people know about our plans to do an embryo transfer soon, I will do my best to keep you updated. The hardest part about this is not getting pregnant and then having someone ask you about it. But conversely, there is the great joy in also telling an inquiring person that it worked and that you’re pregnant! We just don’t know what the Lord has in store for us. Either way, I’m counting on Him to carry us through it.

Thanks for praying!

And why not end with some happy pictures of our little guy? (The first two taken by my talented friend Katherine while I was over at her house.)

IMG_3206 IMG_3228 DSC_0067 DSC_0069

10 Comments

Filed under Baby, Endometriosis, Infertility, IVF, Pain, Pregnancy

How Easily Forgotten is Contentment

How quickly I had happily forgotten. The years of negative pregnancy tests and the dashed hopes that I might be experiencing pregnancy symptoms. The pain of looking into the empty room that I had hoped would one day be a nursery. The baby items people had graciously given me but that were collecting dust in the garage.

These were long, hard years. Filled with pain and tears, and often the threat of another surgery. I wasn’t sure if or when it would end. I learned to live with it most days.

And then I got pregnant with Josh.

Just like a whirlwind, I was thrust into the world of pregnancy and baby love. As my belly expanded, I could feel Josh wiggling and squirming and kicking up a storm. My pregnancy was filled with chronic pain, but also with so much hope and joy.

But even greater joy ensued. The days that have followed Josh’s birth have been nothing short of wonderful. Getting to know this little boy has completely shattered me. Delighted my heart in ways I could not have imagined. Each day I am eager to get out of bed and see what new thing this little guy of ours is learning. I never guessed that being a momma would be so fun.

And then one day, there was a bit of cramping and spotting, followed by nausea. I was sure my monthly cycle was coming back to wreak havoc. But then it didn’t. The cramping, bloating and nausea ensued. And all of the sudden, something in the back of my brain clicked: “What if I’m pregnant?” As the hope of a second child began to rise and swell to the surface, I choked back tears as I prayed and asked the Lord in faith for such.

But then I did a home pregnancy test, and it was negative. I felt immediate disappointment and couldn’t believe how quickly I had gotten sucked back into the vicious cycle of pregnancy tests and turmoil. A day earlier I had felt complete contentment as I¬†played happily with my son. Instead, thoughts of implantation bleeding, pregnancy symptoms and the hope of a second child consumed me.

The symptoms continued. More negative pregnancy tests followed. I have no idea what is making me feel sick.

But I am choosing, today, to move on.

I’m choosing to enjoy my son as he learns to eats solid foods and reach out to touch my face for the first time. As he babbles endlessly and rolls over. As he giggles when I sing his favorite songs.

And I will not mourn this not being the Lord’s timing for us to have another child.

I will thank the Lord for the good gift He has given us!

 

IMG_20140804_104449

4 Comments

Filed under Baby, Infertility, Pregnancy