Monthly Archives: May 2012

Mother’s Day: Blessing or Sorrow?

Mother’s Day. I’m not so sure how I feel about this holiday. Don’t get me wrong — I love to celebrate the fact that my mother happens to be awesome. I truly want to be a blessing to her as best as I can on Mother’s Day. But for me, it’s just another reminder that I’m not a mother–just as I was reminded last year and the year before. It’s a reminder that my abdomen is full of endometriosis and that I will probably never have children.

I wasn’t expecting to be a mess today. I had clearly made up my mind not to. In fact, I hadn’t even given Mother’s Day a whole lot of thought. My mind was wrapped up in planning how we could celebrate my own mom and what that would look like. This is a good thing, but this morning I arrived at my parent’s church to find that not only were they enthusiastically celebrating Mother’s Day, but there were also going to be having baby dedications during the service as well. A double whammy for the infertile one like me. I closed my eyes and tried to worship. When I opened my eyes five minutes later, I made the huge mistake of looking in front of me. All around me were moms and dads holding their fancily-dressed babies waiting to be dedicated. My own childless reality hit sharply. I started to cry over an old, healed wound that had once again been ripped open.

Sigh. I couldn’t seem to turn off the waterworks this time, so I excused myself out of the aisle and slipped out the back door. I walked behind an empty, adjacent church building and sat myself down behind a wide pillar that hid my presence. No one was around, and it was nice. I cried, but I wasn’t bitter or jealous. I wasn’t even mad I had endometriosis. I was just plain sad. I closed my eyes and prayed. I told the Lord that I was actually in fact quite thankful for the many blessings He had given me. But this journey He’s got us on is a painful one at times, today certainly included.

And then, just like that, the Lord gave me peace about our situation. Again. I dried off my tears. I looked up and noticed that I was sitting under some gorgeous redwood trees, and the birds were busy singing a symphony. Not only was I given peace, I was in a peaceful place, and I thanked God for it.

I feel like my story’s redundant. Dramatic diagnosis of endometriosis followed by tears and agony followed by healing and peace followed by more tears and agony, followed by more healing and peace, and so on. You get the idea. If you’re in the same boat as me, you know how it is. It’s HARD, and complete healing doesn’t happen quickly. Which is why we must continue to look to the Lord, again and again. It takes faithfulness and perseverance. I thought of how long Sarah waited for her miraculous son, Isaac. How long Abraham waited for God to fulfill His promises to him.  Not days, not months or even years. Decades.  They waited hopefully for decades.

May the Lord help us to remain steadfast.

“Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.” James 5:11

Next year may be a different story. Maybe we will have adopted by then. Maybe I will be miraculously pregnant. Or maybe I will be still be childless and it will be yet another time to ask God for help along the way. Either way, I will thank the Lord.

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under Endometriosis, Infertility

Don’t be Fearful!

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” Proverbs 29:25

I’ve never really thought of myself as a fearful person– that is, until I got married. For the first time, my reactions to fear had a direct effect upon someone I loved very much. I was sickened by the way I responded to my fears, most of which were unworthy of any thought whatsoever. Often times, I didn’t even realize why I was behaving or acting the way I was. After some gentle prodding and inquiring from my husband, I learned that most of the time the cause of my behavior boiled down to deeply rooted fears, ones in which I felt I had little or no control of.

Marriage has taught me much. I realized early on in marriage that my husband had the power to utterly ruin my life. When you marry, you are trusting your spouse to be faithful to you, to not lie to you, or run off with your savings account. You are trusting him to take care of you whether you in are in perfect health or disabled in a wheelchair for many years. You are trusting him to love you whether you are skinny or fat. And you are trusting him to be wise about your family’s plans and future.  The level in which we trust and count on our spouses does not compare or even come close to any other earthly relationship, and once the vows are made and the license signed, it can be pretty overwhelming.

And it’s scary — knowing that someone you love and trust so deeply has the power to just about destroy you. When this realization hit, I had to take a deep breath and pray hard. If I couldn’t trust the Lord to carry me each day, whether or not my spouse proved to be faithful to the vows he made — then I knew we would both be miserable as I tried to control both of our lives.

Which brings me to adoption. A whole new can of uncertainties and fears has been quickly opened. We don’t have control over almost anything in this process. We don’t get to pick the birth mom or the baby. We don’t get to pick whether it’s a girl or boy. We don’t have any control over when or how the baby comes to us.  And once we get the baby, the birth mom will have the ability to revoke her adoption plan for up to ten days after the adoptive parents have the baby. So you see, this adoption thing is really quite frightening.

And yet, just like marriage, it’s also beautiful and wonderful. It’s another opportunity to completely step back and say, “Your will be done, Lord. I trust you to lead me through even the deepest waters. I know you will help me.” Learning to submit my fears to my Creator has taught me one of the greatest lessons in this life. I admit there are days when I have to re-learn that lessons. Days when I give into fear, and worry about the future. I have learned that being afraid is a miserable place to be. Trusting the Lord is a wonderful oasis compared to the dry deserts of fear.

If you struggle with being fearful, as I do, I encourage you to make a 3×5 card with verses of the Lord’s promises to you on them. Carry it with you everywhere you go. I did this during my first year of marriage and whenever I was afraid, I would pray those verses and ask the Lord to help me. Throughout this process, the Lord worked tremendous miracles in my life through that and grew my faith greatly! Pray together with a trustworthy friend addressing your fears. Make the choice to not live in fear. Wait and watch the Lord work miracles in your life too.

4 Comments

Filed under Adoption, Marriage