Mother’s Day. I’m not so sure how I feel about this holiday. Don’t get me wrong — I love to celebrate the fact that my mother happens to be awesome. I truly want to be a blessing to her as best as I can on Mother’s Day. But for me, it’s just another reminder that I’m not a mother–just as I was reminded last year and the year before. It’s a reminder that my abdomen is full of endometriosis and that I will probably never have children.
I wasn’t expecting to be a mess today. I had clearly made up my mind not to. In fact, I hadn’t even given Mother’s Day a whole lot of thought. My mind was wrapped up in planning how we could celebrate my own mom and what that would look like. This is a good thing, but this morning I arrived at my parent’s church to find that not only were they enthusiastically celebrating Mother’s Day, but there were also going to be having baby dedications during the service as well. A double whammy for the infertile one like me. I closed my eyes and tried to worship. When I opened my eyes five minutes later, I made the huge mistake of looking in front of me. All around me were moms and dads holding their fancily-dressed babies waiting to be dedicated. My own childless reality hit sharply. I started to cry over an old, healed wound that had once again been ripped open.
Sigh. I couldn’t seem to turn off the waterworks this time, so I excused myself out of the aisle and slipped out the back door. I walked behind an empty, adjacent church building and sat myself down behind a wide pillar that hid my presence. No one was around, and it was nice. I cried, but I wasn’t bitter or jealous. I wasn’t even mad I had endometriosis. I was just plain sad. I closed my eyes and prayed. I told the Lord that I was actually in fact quite thankful for the many blessings He had given me. But this journey He’s got us on is a painful one at times, today certainly included.
And then, just like that, the Lord gave me peace about our situation. Again. I dried off my tears. I looked up and noticed that I was sitting under some gorgeous redwood trees, and the birds were busy singing a symphony. Not only was I given peace, I was in a peaceful place, and I thanked God for it.
I feel like my story’s redundant. Dramatic diagnosis of endometriosis followed by tears and agony followed by healing and peace followed by more tears and agony, followed by more healing and peace, and so on. You get the idea. If you’re in the same boat as me, you know how it is. It’s HARD, and complete healing doesn’t happen quickly. Which is why we must continue to look to the Lord, again and again. It takes faithfulness and perseverance. I thought of how long Sarah waited for her miraculous son, Isaac. How long Abraham waited for God to fulfill His promises to him. Not days, not months or even years. Decades. They waited hopefully for decades.
May the Lord help us to remain steadfast.
“Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.” James 5:11
Next year may be a different story. Maybe we will have adopted by then. Maybe I will be miraculously pregnant. Or maybe I will be still be childless and it will be yet another time to ask God for help along the way. Either way, I will thank the Lord.