Monthly Archives: December 2014

Miscarriage Thoughts, Josh’s 9 Month Birthday & Christmas

Belated Merry Christmas!

Please excuse my little break from blogging — life has been busy and I just haven’t really had a lot of mental energy to blog. It’s been a little bit of a hard season for me.

I miscarried on December 9th, when I was 5 weeks and 5 days along. I didn’t think I’d know if I passed the baby or not but it was definitely obvious when I did. So much excitement and hope gone with sheer certainty on that day. Although I thought I was getting over the disappointment, I cried when I passed the baby. To throw it away in the trash felt so wrong and awful.

The final wave of tears came when a beautiful card from my infertility clinic arrived in the mail two days later, signed by all the nurses and staff.  I realized that for my own sense of closure, I needed to keep some momentos from this experience. I saved the card and inside it I placed the photos our clinic gave us of our embryos along with some other things from our FET experience and beginning weeks of pregnancy. I also want to print out a picture of a positive pregnancy test I had. I will store it away in the bottom of one of my dresser drawers, and someday I will pull it out and it will help me remember this time. I want to remember it all — the utter disbelief I felt when I heard I was pregnant and the ensuing building excitement of the thought of another baby. The calculating of due dates and thoughts of purchasing new maternity clothes. Then the lurking fear that maybe something was wrong to then the non-stop tears that happened the day I learned we were losing our little one.  I want to remember how immense my love was for that little embryo that tried to grow– but couldn’t.

On a much happier note, Josh turned nine months old a few weeks ago. It felt like we had hit some sort of monumental milestone, but really I don’t think any new milestones have actually been reached. Josh is still our very focused little boy. He loves to fiddle with the zipper on my fleece and he’s figured out how to unzip it. He loves feeling different textures and likes the feel of silky tags. He likes to fiddle with things and I always imagine him taking things apart when he gets older. He’s getting a little pushy at times — squawking when we don’t get his bottle in his mouth fast enough or occasionally when we take something away from him. In general though he’s still pretty easy going. He’s sitting, rolling, and scooting –but still not crawling and not really making any attempts to do so. He likes to stand (with our help) and likes his walker. I try to get him out in the stroller daily and he loves that too.

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9 month photos by my friend Katherine.

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Josh was pretty stingy with his smiles on this day!

 

As far as food goes, Josh likes anything that’s not made by mom! I just can’t get the texture right. At least I think that’s what the problem is. He eats it, but he winces and shudders and sometimes his eyes even get teary with each swallow. It’s not that he rejects it — he will still open his mouth for another bite — but you can tell he’s in agony with each swallow. Many times I have thought: “So much for all my hard work!” So after several attempts at this I gave up and just buy it. He gets 3 meals a day, oatmeal and fruit with breakfast, and usually a veggie and meat combo for both lunch and dinner. He gets a bottle roughly every 4-5 hours and takes anywhere from 3-7 oz. I still can’t get him to take much water from ANY of the sippy cups I’ve tried — he chokes about 85% of the time on them (and we’ve been at it for almost 3 months!). I’ve tried just about every single kind of sippy cup. Not sure what his deal is but I’m guessing that it’ll smooth out once we take away the bottle and he only has one type of cup to take fluid from.

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First time eating chicken nuggets.

 

Josh still takes a bottle sometime in the middle of the night (any time between 1- 5 am) and will often guzzle down 6 oz. This night time feeding is silly though and I know the kid can make up for the volume during the day! One of these days I’m going to wean him of it. It will just take a bit of training and a few nights with probably quite a bit less sleep for us both. His night time bottle is just a quick fix to get him to fall back asleep quickly, and I know it’s not one of my best parenting moves.

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Josh still adores books. When I pull a book off the shelf and sit him on my lap, he literally shakes and kicks his legs and arms in an excited fashion and squeals in delight! As soon as I finish the story, he looks longingly at the other books left on the shelf left to be read. If I pull another book out he squeals again happily! We could easily read 10-15 books at a time. Actually, we usually stop reading because I’m over it — but I wonder how long he’d sit there and listen happily? I should find out sometime when I feel like reading all day.

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Trying to get a ‘proper’ 9 month photo while Josh enjoys non-toys.

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Who knew a rug was so amazing?

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The hardest habit Josh has right now is his screeching habit. When he gets bored or tired he will scream at a pitch that compares to finger nails on a chalk board. He’s had this awful habit for a few months now — some days he screeches a lot and other days (thankfully) not so much. He always seems so proud of the sounds that come out of his mouth. I’ve tried to break him of this habit several times consistently, but unfortunately he also consistently seems to not be getting the message. Maybe in another month or so. In the meantime, Mommy and Daddy think a baby muzzle wouldn’t such a bad idea…  (JOKING!)

Christmas with our families was a blessing this year. I specifically remember this time last year being really difficult because I had horrible abdominal pain start at around 7 pm on Christmas Eve and ended up going to bed early, only to lay there and cry in misery. Those days were so fraught with a mix of excitement of a coming baby and horror of continual pain. This year was so much better! Josh did great and enjoyed playing with the wrapping paper most of all (which was funny because his 8 month old cousin was MOST afraid of the wrapping paper and cried whenever someone opened a package). Everyone had fun holding him and by the end of day there were hardly any smiles left in that exhausted kid. He got a ton of toys, some clothes, a baby swing for outside, a pair of leather shoes, some ornaments with his name on it, and books!

Josh was pretty tired here, but here he is getting his stocking from Grandma. He got so much stuff it didn't even all fit into the GIANT stocking my mom knit for him!

Josh was pretty tired here, but here he is getting his stocking from Grandma. He got so much stuff it didn’t even all fit into the GIANT stocking my mom knit for him!

I’m so grateful for our little family and for our extended family, too. God has blessed our socks off, not just in the people He’s placed in our lives or the material things He’s given us, but the gift of Himself — available to each and every person. The word ‘Emmanuel’ means “God with us,” and that immeasurable gift of Himself is what we receive when we come to the Lord. He is with us. He will carry us. He will help us. So much hope and promise brought to us all by a little baby born to Mary over two thousand years ago.

As the New Year comes in, I’m not thinking about exercising more or trying to live better in some way. No – my hope is solely to remember and carry these things closer to my heart. There may be more heartbreak in store for us in 2015; we just don’t know. Perhaps it will be a year of answered prayers. But as the days go by, may Emmanual be on my lips and residing in my heart as a reminder as to who ordaining each moment.

And lastly, here’s some more photos…

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Josh wearing his first Christmas hat his Mimi and Papa got him!

 

I love this family photo! Josh's cousin is trying to pull off Mimi's hat...and my hubby and his brother are clearly noticeable in the mirror taking our picture.

I love this family photo! Josh’s cousin is trying to pull off Mimi’s hat…and my hubby and his brother are clearly noticeable in the mirror taking our picture.

 

I wonder who the center of attention is in this photo???

I wonder who the center of attention is in this photo???

 

We're not the best at family photos. This was the best we could do, and Josh isn't even smiling. In any case, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

We’re not the best at family photos. This was the best we could do, and Josh isn’t even smiling. In any case, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

See you in 2015!

 

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Filed under Miscarriage, Pregnancy

It’s Over

My beta came back today at 145. It dropped quite a bit since Tuesday and we officially had a chemical pregnancy. I have to get my beta levels checked in a week to make sure it’s not ectopic (the nurse didn’t think so). We had hoped and prayed for a miracle, but no miracle happened.

And that is okay.

I cried and grieved a lot Tuesday and Wednesday. Today, a few hours after I got the results back, I began to look forward to the future again. There have been sad moments. My empty pill box and huge cardboard box filled with IVF meds made me sad, as I have stopped all medication today. The “Expecting Mother” parking sign I saw today at BuyBuy Baby made me sad, as I no longer fit in that category. My mom asked me what I had wanted for Christmas, and I had excitedly said, “maternity clothes!” Those will no longer be needed.

So much hope and excitement all coming to a crashing halt.

And still it is okay.

I trust the Lord for my future. I started to spiral into fear the other day — worrying that I wouldn’t ever get pregnant again… then what would we do? Would Josh be an only child? I would so love a sibling for him to play with. And then I realized I was just borrowing trouble, and I needed to stop. And focus on the fact that the Lord gives GOOD gifts to His children. That’s me. So I can rest, and be hopeful. Because even though things feel like “they’re over” right now, they truly aren’t.

We don’t know when we’ll do our next FET with our remaining two embryos. I don’t know if I can commit to blogging about it when the time comes. I felt compelled to blog about my experience with this FET, and maybe I’ll never know exactly the reasons why. But I can say that blogging about it has blessed my socks off — so many people have reached out to me, prayed for me, called, come over, sent a text message, made me a meal, etc. I even had a dear friend come over to be with me this morning to give me a huge hug and remind me of truth when I got the bad news today. I have truly felt supported and loved through this rather painful ordeal. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

May the Lord bless you for your kindness and generosity of care for me.

 

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Filed under FET, Pregnancy

Disappointing News

The roller coaster ride continues.

I got bad news this morning. My hcg level, at 19dpo, was only 216. That’s an increase of 55%. They’re looking for an increase of 75% or higher to indicate a viable pregnancy.

The lab results helped me make some sense of the past two weeks. I haven’t felt pregnant for a single day this time around. Many told me to count my blessings–that maybe I was just having an amazing pregnancy, but I was deeply worried something was wrong. Despite the pieces finally adding up, I still cried and grieved all morning. My husband sounded really disappointed on the phone when I told him. He wanted to know when we could try for another FET (not that we could afford it right away).

The IVF nurse also painted a grim picture for us. Most likely I will miscarry — it could happen at any time. I will still get my levels rechecked in two days just in case a miracle happens and the baby rebounds. If the levels drop or barely increase then I will stop my meds. I will have to get my levels checked weekly after that to make sure I’m not having an ectopic pregnancy.

So for now I am stuck in beta-level-checking purgatory.

I’m reading my Bible today and playing with Josh. He is such an incredible joy to have. Even through tears I cannot help but smile in response to his giggles and grins.

Thanks for continuing to pray. I will update you after my beta on Thursday.

“So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight.”

2 Corinthians 5:6-7

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PS Sorry for the abundance of typos lately. I guess that’s what happens when I’m rushing to finish a blog post on my phone late at night. 🙂

 

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Filed under FET, Pregnancy