Belated Merry Christmas!
Please excuse my little break from blogging — life has been busy and I just haven’t really had a lot of mental energy to blog. It’s been a little bit of a hard season for me.
I miscarried on December 9th, when I was 5 weeks and 5 days along. I didn’t think I’d know if I passed the baby or not but it was definitely obvious when I did. So much excitement and hope gone with sheer certainty on that day. Although I thought I was getting over the disappointment, I cried when I passed the baby. To throw it away in the trash felt so wrong and awful.
The final wave of tears came when a beautiful card from my infertility clinic arrived in the mail two days later, signed by all the nurses and staff. I realized that for my own sense of closure, I needed to keep some momentos from this experience. I saved the card and inside it I placed the photos our clinic gave us of our embryos along with some other things from our FET experience and beginning weeks of pregnancy. I also want to print out a picture of a positive pregnancy test I had. I will store it away in the bottom of one of my dresser drawers, and someday I will pull it out and it will help me remember this time. I want to remember it all — the utter disbelief I felt when I heard I was pregnant and the ensuing building excitement of the thought of another baby. The calculating of due dates and thoughts of purchasing new maternity clothes. Then the lurking fear that maybe something was wrong to then the non-stop tears that happened the day I learned we were losing our little one. I want to remember how immense my love was for that little embryo that tried to grow– but couldn’t.
On a much happier note, Josh turned nine months old a few weeks ago. It felt like we had hit some sort of monumental milestone, but really I don’t think any new milestones have actually been reached. Josh is still our very focused little boy. He loves to fiddle with the zipper on my fleece and he’s figured out how to unzip it. He loves feeling different textures and likes the feel of silky tags. He likes to fiddle with things and I always imagine him taking things apart when he gets older. He’s getting a little pushy at times — squawking when we don’t get his bottle in his mouth fast enough or occasionally when we take something away from him. In general though he’s still pretty easy going. He’s sitting, rolling, and scooting –but still not crawling and not really making any attempts to do so. He likes to stand (with our help) and likes his walker. I try to get him out in the stroller daily and he loves that too.
As far as food goes, Josh likes anything that’s not made by mom! I just can’t get the texture right. At least I think that’s what the problem is. He eats it, but he winces and shudders and sometimes his eyes even get teary with each swallow. It’s not that he rejects it — he will still open his mouth for another bite — but you can tell he’s in agony with each swallow. Many times I have thought: “So much for all my hard work!” So after several attempts at this I gave up and just buy it. He gets 3 meals a day, oatmeal and fruit with breakfast, and usually a veggie and meat combo for both lunch and dinner. He gets a bottle roughly every 4-5 hours and takes anywhere from 3-7 oz. I still can’t get him to take much water from ANY of the sippy cups I’ve tried — he chokes about 85% of the time on them (and we’ve been at it for almost 3 months!). I’ve tried just about every single kind of sippy cup. Not sure what his deal is but I’m guessing that it’ll smooth out once we take away the bottle and he only has one type of cup to take fluid from.
Josh still takes a bottle sometime in the middle of the night (any time between 1- 5 am) and will often guzzle down 6 oz. This night time feeding is silly though and I know the kid can make up for the volume during the day! One of these days I’m going to wean him of it. It will just take a bit of training and a few nights with probably quite a bit less sleep for us both. His night time bottle is just a quick fix to get him to fall back asleep quickly, and I know it’s not one of my best parenting moves.
Josh still adores books. When I pull a book off the shelf and sit him on my lap, he literally shakes and kicks his legs and arms in an excited fashion and squeals in delight! As soon as I finish the story, he looks longingly at the other books left on the shelf left to be read. If I pull another book out he squeals again happily! We could easily read 10-15 books at a time. Actually, we usually stop reading because I’m over it — but I wonder how long he’d sit there and listen happily? I should find out sometime when I feel like reading all day.
The hardest habit Josh has right now is his screeching habit. When he gets bored or tired he will scream at a pitch that compares to finger nails on a chalk board. He’s had this awful habit for a few months now — some days he screeches a lot and other days (thankfully) not so much. He always seems so proud of the sounds that come out of his mouth. I’ve tried to break him of this habit several times consistently, but unfortunately he also consistently seems to not be getting the message. Maybe in another month or so. In the meantime, Mommy and Daddy think a baby muzzle wouldn’t such a bad idea… (JOKING!)
Christmas with our families was a blessing this year. I specifically remember this time last year being really difficult because I had horrible abdominal pain start at around 7 pm on Christmas Eve and ended up going to bed early, only to lay there and cry in misery. Those days were so fraught with a mix of excitement of a coming baby and horror of continual pain. This year was so much better! Josh did great and enjoyed playing with the wrapping paper most of all (which was funny because his 8 month old cousin was MOST afraid of the wrapping paper and cried whenever someone opened a package). Everyone had fun holding him and by the end of day there were hardly any smiles left in that exhausted kid. He got a ton of toys, some clothes, a baby swing for outside, a pair of leather shoes, some ornaments with his name on it, and books!
I’m so grateful for our little family and for our extended family, too. God has blessed our socks off, not just in the people He’s placed in our lives or the material things He’s given us, but the gift of Himself — available to each and every person. The word ‘Emmanuel’ means “God with us,” and that immeasurable gift of Himself is what we receive when we come to the Lord. He is with us. He will carry us. He will help us. So much hope and promise brought to us all by a little baby born to Mary over two thousand years ago.
As the New Year comes in, I’m not thinking about exercising more or trying to live better in some way. No – my hope is solely to remember and carry these things closer to my heart. There may be more heartbreak in store for us in 2015; we just don’t know. Perhaps it will be a year of answered prayers. But as the days go by, may Emmanual be on my lips and residing in my heart as a reminder as to who ordaining each moment.
And lastly, here’s some more photos…
See you in 2015!