I’m up late tonight, unable to sleep (again) from pain. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to write a coherent blog post. But I’ll give it a try if it means that someone reading this will be praying for me (thanks if that’s you!).
No, I’m sorry, this is not a blog post about ice cream. I wish it were. Maybe some day. I just couldn’t bring myself to title another blog post on pain… again.
It’s been another hard week. I came down with some sort of gut bug on Monday that rendered me mostly incapacitated. I was nauseous all day with abdominal cramps so strong they brought tears to my eyes. My stomach hurt all day. And then the shooting sciatica nerve pain hit my right leg and I was done. So over it. Hubby took half the day off of work to help me limp around. I even called my sister and asked her to come over the next day to help me out since at that point I couldn’t walk or even bend over.
I was nauseous all night and Tuesday started off crummy but got better and better as the day went on. My sister and I had a nice visit. I felt silly for asking her to come over and “help” when I didn’t really need it but oh well. I can’t ever predict when the good days will come. All I know is that I’m thankful when they do come. I got tested for H. Pylori that day (which came back negative).
On Wednesday my mother in law came and visited and she did some vacuuming for me, which was a blessing because that always kills me. We sat a lot (which I was grateful for) and visited, and I was blessed by her company.
And then today struck. Today, oh yuckiest of days. The kind of day where I have been in bed with agonizing pain all day and then just finally burst into tears when hubby walked in the door (yes, you should feel sorry for him, he has to deal with this often from me). The tears come and there is often little that can be done. But I do pray. I ask God again for mercy, for stamina to keep going. When the pain doesn’t let up neither do my prayers. Nothing else gets me through it.
There has been much of me that has been whittled away during this process. I wrestle with my pride and there are times when I don’t want to blog anymore because I feel like I am always saying the same thing. I am always talking about pain and I’m always asking for prayer. But then the pain gets so severe and my endurance frightfully lacking that I know I MUST ask others to be praying for me. So I am suffering, but God is breaking away my self sufficient shell of an exterior, and I know it’s a good place to be. Not that it’s ever easy.
I’m hoping to be induced a little early at 37 weeks, which is 16 days away. Actually, I’m praying for it. As a NICU nurse I know what I’m dealing with and that the consequences are. There will probably be none, but you never know. I know there are some out there who might say “Why not wait until 40 weeks? What’s a few more weeks of your life?” And my response would be this: “Clearly you have never dealt with chronic pain before. Thankfully you don’t understand what that’s like, and what a dark hole pain and misery are constantly threatening to bury me in, save the blood of Jesus and the prayers of the Saints.” So… yes. That would be my response at a time like this, after a day like today. I could probably word it a little more graciously, but I think it explains the toll that chronic pain takes on a person.
So there you have it. A raw blog post written by pregnant mama who’s undone tonight by pain. But who rests knowing her Almighty is merciful.
Thank you, fellow saints, for your prayers. They are greatly treasured.