Tag Archives: mother’s day

Going Away

I’m going away. To the coast of California, where there will be fog and cool morning air and a vast ocean and waves to make me think about the enormity of God. And there will be fellowship. I’ll be going with one of my sisters and my mom. (And let’s not forget Rachel!) There will be nice restaurants, walks along the beach, and maybe some antique shopping. It’s a girls’ getaway, and to say I’m excited about it would be an understatement.

Additionally, the hubby and I are set to go on a super fancy date tonight. Thanks to his employer, we have reservations at a restaurant that we would normally not be able to afford. Of course I used the occasion as an excuse to buy a new dress and sweater. This girl can’t wear old shirts and running shorts every day of her life!

Mother’s day is coming up and I have one word: Grateful. Grateful for God’s mercy on me. Grateful for my husband and kids. Grateful that this Mother’s day I am not asking God, “How much longer, O Lord?” Grateful for a getaway to the ocean with people I love. Grateful that I get to take a sweet, happy baby along with me.

And let’s not mince words. I’m beyond grateful that Rachel just started sleeping through the night!!!!

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Filed under Baby, Motherhood

2-Month Update & Mother’s day Recap

Mother’s Day is behind us for another year. I can’t help but feel relieved it’s over! We went with my parents to their church this year and then celebrated at their house. As we were driving away from their church, I was telling my husband, “Even though I was standing there with Joshua in the front pack, there was so much emphasis on it being “Mother’s Day” that I couldn’t help but just think of the women in the service who had lost a child, or their mothers, or who were in the same shoes as me last year.” And there are so many other reasons why this holiday could be little more than a painful reminder of this fallen world we live in and relationships we wish we had, or were different, etc. On a personal note, I guess I thought it’d be different this year– now that Joshua is here– but in reality I think I still have some PTSD left over from years past.

Church service aside, it was a wonderful day. As we were scrambling to get out the door and make the hour long drive to my parent’s church, hubby gave me a gift and a card. His card was so incredibly thoughtful, it made me cry. He thanked God for being ‘generous’ with us by giving us Joshua. I cried because our God is so incredibly generous. When I opened up the gift from my hubby I found a beautiful necklace with the initial “E” on it for my name. I absolutely love it!

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After the church service we went over to my parents for a mother’s day brunch followed by an early dinner so that my sister (who was working) could be there for the latter part of the day and not miss it all. We ate a LOT of good food that day! Some of the festivities that day included my dad setting the barbecue on fire on accident (amazingly enough I think it actually made the Tri-tip taste even better), me mowing my parents grass for almost two hours and almost running over seven bunnies (they were baby jackrabbits–I guess they didn’t get the memo that a big loud riding lawn mower coming their way = RUN AWAY!), and of course lots of playing with Joshua. My mom will take every moment she gets to snuggle with him, which is why I was able to get outside and do some yard work on their property.

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My mom with Joshua.

My mom with Joshua.

In other news, Joshua got his 2-month vaccines on Monday. He did great and wasn’t even very fussy that afternoon or evening. No fever either, which I was thankful for. He weighed in at 11 pounds, 4 ounces, and measured 21 3/4 inches long. He was in the 17th percentile for weight and in the 87th percentile for his head circumference (we weren’t surprised by that one–he takes after his daddy!).

Joshua’s world has expanded a lot lately as he is very aware of his surroundings now and smiles frequently. Those smiles sure do make getting up at 0’dark thirty to nurse him a lot more fun! He is also awake for much longer periods during the day time.

Joshua had a busy week last week as we made two out of town trips to see a friend visiting from Oregon and another trip to Northern California to see a good friend who still hadn’t been able to meet him yet. For both trips he slept the entire time in the car–this mommy was incredibly thankful for that!

Joshua’s colic has been getting better. I did start him on baby probiotics (as well as cutting out dairy completely since he was 2 weeks old) and noticed an improvement about 4 days after starting the probiotics. I had also tried gripe water and gas drops but neither seemed to do very much.

Aside from walking/jogging with friends and visiting with family and friends, our days are pretty uncomplicated. I am loving being home with Joshua and getting to spend so much time with him. I plan to go back to work very minimally soon. In my line of work, the longer you don’t work, the more nervous you become when you do return. I worked only 6 hours in January and only a few shifts in December, so I am feeling very rusty, to say the least! Hopefully it will all come back to me. Thankfully Joshua doesn’t mind taking the bottle and I’ve got plenty of breast milk stored up in our chest freezer in the garage, so being gone for the better part of a day shouldn’t present any big problems.

And here’s some pictures from the past week or two…

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Filed under Baby, Infertility

The Hardest Day of the Year

At the brink of Mother’s Day comes Joshua’s 2 month-old birthday.

And I am undone. Memories of past Mother’s days filter through my mind. Images of church baby dedications come to focus. I hear the bursting applause celebrating all the mothers standing around me. A father holding a small child on my left. An expectant mother on my right. My own flat belly in view, void of children. I am left with the undeniable feeling of utter inadequacy and sorrow. Tears pooling, then falling.

As the memory fades, I think it’s safe to say that Mother’s day used to be the hardest day of the year for me.

I haven’t made it through an entire church service on mother’s day in three years. I always went into it with a light heart and the desire to honor my mother. But as the day unfolded, I was a tear-laden, sorrowful mess. The ache and sadness of being barren struck the deepest on Mother’s day. I desperately wanted to be a mother and to experience all that came with the title.

I spent some time on the phone today with a friend who’s in the same shoes I was in. My heart aches for her and her situation. She is facing the same familiar infertility crossroads and praying about the next step. Just in time for Mother’s day. And did I mention that she just got the news today that a good friend of hers is expecting?

And even though I’m no longer struggling with infertility, this struggle is no light skirmish. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that infertility can be a full-on battle, and it will suck every last ounce of hope and happiness from you if you are not careful. When I was going through infertility, I had to ask myself– again and again– Is Christ enough in my life? Children or no children, will I take Him at His Word and trust that He is sufficient? Will I refuse to make an idol out of having children? (Because it won’t happen passively.) Will I choose to believe that I will have joy and peace if I don’t have a future of being a mother?

I reminded my friend that sometimes being joyful is a really hard choice we have to make while going through infertility trials. And sometimes we have to choose to be hopeful about our future, even though all we may be feeling is despair. But we cannot let feelings dictate our lives, as hard as it may be when we feel like we’re only sinking into a pit of hopelessness.

I probably felt hopeless about our situation a thousand times during the years that I struggled with infertility. I failed many times to choose to be hopeful. So I do know how hard it is. But choosing to despair is never the better choice. It will take you to paths you do not want travel on, trust me.

I don’t know what the future holds, but if there’s something I’ve learned through this experience, it’s that God is a God of surprises. I never expected to be able to have children. We went through IVF and I was so certain that I wouldn’t get pregnant that I never even blogged about it. I suspected that I was headed for a hysterectomy. It was a terrifying time for me. I pleaded with God for a child, but I knew I could never “expect” God to bless me in that way. I don’t deserve children (or anything good for that matter). But God was gracious, because that is His nature and His character. Even if He didn’t bless me with a child, He would still shower mercies upon me. Just read my previous (pre-baby) blog posts for evidence of that!

Last year during Mother’s day I wouldn’t have expected that in a year’s time I would be typing these words as our precious son sleeps peacefully in his crib. But Joshua is not my peace, my fulfillment, or my hope in this life. Christ is. And if Mother’s day is a bone of contention in your life (like it was in mine), make the day about Christ. Celebrate His goodness and His perfect love for you. Hope in Him. Place your future in His hands.

Because all else will fail you. But Christ never will.

Happy Christ Day!

 

 

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Mother’s Day: Blessing or Sorrow?

Mother’s Day. I’m not so sure how I feel about this holiday. Don’t get me wrong — I love to celebrate the fact that my mother happens to be awesome. I truly want to be a blessing to her as best as I can on Mother’s Day. But for me, it’s just another reminder that I’m not a mother–just as I was reminded last year and the year before. It’s a reminder that my abdomen is full of endometriosis and that I will probably never have children.

I wasn’t expecting to be a mess today. I had clearly made up my mind not to. In fact, I hadn’t even given Mother’s Day a whole lot of thought. My mind was wrapped up in planning how we could celebrate my own mom and what that would look like. This is a good thing, but this morning I arrived at my parent’s church to find that not only were they enthusiastically celebrating Mother’s Day, but there were also going to be having baby dedications during the service as well. A double whammy for the infertile one like me. I closed my eyes and tried to worship. When I opened my eyes five minutes later, I made the huge mistake of looking in front of me. All around me were moms and dads holding their fancily-dressed babies waiting to be dedicated. My own childless reality hit sharply. I started to cry over an old, healed wound that had once again been ripped open.

Sigh. I couldn’t seem to turn off the waterworks this time, so I excused myself out of the aisle and slipped out the back door. I walked behind an empty, adjacent church building and sat myself down behind a wide pillar that hid my presence. No one was around, and it was nice. I cried, but I wasn’t bitter or jealous. I wasn’t even mad I had endometriosis. I was just plain sad. I closed my eyes and prayed. I told the Lord that I was actually in fact quite thankful for the many blessings He had given me. But this journey He’s got us on is a painful one at times, today certainly included.

And then, just like that, the Lord gave me peace about our situation. Again. I dried off my tears. I looked up and noticed that I was sitting under some gorgeous redwood trees, and the birds were busy singing a symphony. Not only was I given peace, I was in a peaceful place, and I thanked God for it.

I feel like my story’s redundant. Dramatic diagnosis of endometriosis followed by tears and agony followed by healing and peace followed by more tears and agony, followed by more healing and peace, and so on. You get the idea. If you’re in the same boat as me, you know how it is. It’s HARD, and complete healing doesn’t happen quickly. Which is why we must continue to look to the Lord, again and again. It takes faithfulness and perseverance. I thought of how long Sarah waited for her miraculous son, Isaac. How long Abraham waited for God to fulfill His promises to him.  Not days, not months or even years. Decades.  They waited hopefully for decades.

May the Lord help us to remain steadfast.

“Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.” James 5:11

Next year may be a different story. Maybe we will have adopted by then. Maybe I will be miraculously pregnant. Or maybe I will be still be childless and it will be yet another time to ask God for help along the way. Either way, I will thank the Lord.

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Filed under Endometriosis, Infertility