If I Only Had A Brain

In my opinion, there are two major categories that coincide with pregnancy. One is insomnia. The other is forgetfulness (affectionately termed “prego brain.”) This week, I’ve been dealing with both and instead of sleeping I’m up eating a bowl of cereal and putting these rambling thoughts down on paper. (And to spare you the nuisance I’m also avoiding making a dumb forgetful memory joke, because, come on — that would just be a little too unoriginal right now.)

I worked last night at the hospital and it’s becoming apparent to me that my memory has become quite bad. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure if it’s because I haven’t worked much over the past year or if it’s pregnancy affecting this noggin’ of mine, or what? My husband claims it’s pregnancy, but it’s getting kind of pathetic at work. Someone will ask me a question: “Hey, where do we keep _____?” (fill in the blank with some random medical item), or, “How do I change out this drainage chamber?” or {insert pretty much any nursing/work related question}. I find myself standing there, scratching my head, saying “Gee, I used to know the answer to that, but I totally forgot!” I feel like a complete moron most of the time! And it’s just not happening at work, either. In fact, I made a list of all the things I need to accomplish in the next ten weeks (before the baby comes) because from day to day I completely forget what those things are. My husband has always lamented that he has a terrible memory but announced that he’s happy that the playing field is finally leveled while I’m pregnant–ha! All I can say is that I sure hope my memory decides to reinhabit my body after the baby comes!

As for sleep, when I got off last night I managed to sleep for 3.5 broken up hours. I can’t even blame Josh, who has been sleeping 12-13 hours through the night uninterrupted for weeks now (we’re soaking it in before the baby comes!). Last week, I had probably 4 nights in a row where I averaged 3-4 hours of sleep a night. But the week before that I slept pretty well. Pregnancy insomnia comes in waves for me and thankfully it comes and goes (well, it’s mostly just comes toward the end of the third trimester). I don’t tend to stress about the lack of sleep, but this morning I really wanted to make it to church and wasn’t sure how that would happen on such little sleep. Thanks be to God, (and to my husband who pulled most of the pieces together to get our toddler and the 59 other toddler items we needed like snacks, water bottle, extra diapers/wipes, toys, etc, out the door) we actually made it on time (for once) and I downed my daily allotment of coffee on the way which helped. So, not much sleep happening here, but thankfully we’re still getting on with life fairly well.

Aside from poor memory and sleep, another issue I’ve been battling these days has been feeling poorly about my appearance. Being pregnant this time around has revealed to me my issues with vanity. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but I am way bigger this time around. I have found myself not wanting to even go out in public as I feel like a spectacle to watch and also dread people’s questions and comments. Another coworker last night saw my belly and basically asked if I was due any day (I have ten weeks to go). I’ve never had to work hard to maintain (or really even to lose) weight. I eat moderately but have never dieted. For my entire life, my figure has pretty much been on auto-pilot. But now the pounds are adding up and it freaks me out a little more than I care to admit. The comments about my size bother me more than I’d like to share, also. Someone the other day lightheartedly joked that I had a serious “eating problem” and even though I know he was joking and that it was just his way of saying “you’re pregnant!” I just couldn’t seem to get the comment out of my head. The result is that the Lord has revealed pride and fear in me — which I have at times allowed to suck away my joy in preparing for this baby girl. It’s awful and I have repented of it. But I still struggle, and I think I will continue to do so until I deem that my ‘size’ appropriately fits whatever gestational ‘week’ I am in (which is silly and not helpful at all).

Lastly, I am struggling in knowing how to reach out to friends who are currently walking through infertility. This may seem crazy, given the years of infertility we went through, or it may seem very plausible given that we have a 16 month old son and are expecting baby #2 soon. I want to reach out, to bless if I can … but I don’t want to be the cause of more tears (pregnant women, pregnancy announcements, and baby showers are almost always a trigger for women going through infertility). In some ways our ‘story’ is encouraging and offers hope to those who are facing infertility. But it depends on one’s perspective and, ultimately, one’s trust in the Lord — that He is sufficient whether one has several children or none. In the meantime, I’m asking the Lord for wisdom and planning for now to reach out. We’ll see how it goes.

Thanks for reading my sleep deprived thoughts. I plan to update again next week at 32 weeks!

 

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Filed under Baby, Infertility, Pregnancy, Toddler

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