My beta came back today at 145. It dropped quite a bit since Tuesday and we officially had a chemical pregnancy. I have to get my beta levels checked in a week to make sure it’s not ectopic (the nurse didn’t think so). We had hoped and prayed for a miracle, but no miracle happened.
And that is okay.
I cried and grieved a lot Tuesday and Wednesday. Today, a few hours after I got the results back, I began to look forward to the future again. There have been sad moments. My empty pill box and huge cardboard box filled with IVF meds made me sad, as I have stopped all medication today. The “Expecting Mother” parking sign I saw today at BuyBuy Baby made me sad, as I no longer fit in that category. My mom asked me what I had wanted for Christmas, and I had excitedly said, “maternity clothes!” Those will no longer be needed.
So much hope and excitement all coming to a crashing halt.
And still it is okay.
I trust the Lord for my future. I started to spiral into fear the other day — worrying that I wouldn’t ever get pregnant again… then what would we do? Would Josh be an only child? I would so love a sibling for him to play with. And then I realized I was just borrowing trouble, and I needed to stop. And focus on the fact that the Lord gives GOOD gifts to His children. That’s me. So I can rest, and be hopeful. Because even though things feel like “they’re over” right now, they truly aren’t.
We don’t know when we’ll do our next FET with our remaining two embryos. I don’t know if I can commit to blogging about it when the time comes. I felt compelled to blog about my experience with this FET, and maybe I’ll never know exactly the reasons why. But I can say that blogging about it has blessed my socks off — so many people have reached out to me, prayed for me, called, come over, sent a text message, made me a meal, etc. I even had a dear friend come over to be with me this morning to give me a huge hug and remind me of truth when I got the bad news today. I have truly felt supported and loved through this rather painful ordeal. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
May the Lord bless you for your kindness and generosity of care for me.