How quickly I had happily forgotten. The years of negative pregnancy tests and the dashed hopes that I might be experiencing pregnancy symptoms. The pain of looking into the empty room that I had hoped would one day be a nursery. The baby items people had graciously given me but that were collecting dust in the garage.
These were long, hard years. Filled with pain and tears, and often the threat of another surgery. I wasn’t sure if or when it would end. I learned to live with it most days.
And then I got pregnant with Josh.
Just like a whirlwind, I was thrust into the world of pregnancy and baby love. As my belly expanded, I could feel Josh wiggling and squirming and kicking up a storm. My pregnancy was filled with chronic pain, but also with so much hope and joy.
But even greater joy ensued. The days that have followed Josh’s birth have been nothing short of wonderful. Getting to know this little boy has completely shattered me. Delighted my heart in ways I could not have imagined. Each day I am eager to get out of bed and see what new thing this little guy of ours is learning. I never guessed that being a momma would be so fun.
And then one day, there was a bit of cramping and spotting, followed by nausea. I was sure my monthly cycle was coming back to wreak havoc. But then it didn’t. The cramping, bloating and nausea ensued. And all of the sudden, something in the back of my brain clicked: “What if I’m pregnant?” As the hope of a second child began to rise and swell to the surface, I choked back tears as I prayed and asked the Lord in faith for such.
But then I did a home pregnancy test, and it was negative. I felt immediate disappointment and couldn’t believe how quickly I had gotten sucked back into the vicious cycle of pregnancy tests and turmoil. A day earlier I had felt complete contentment as I played happily with my son. Instead, thoughts of implantation bleeding, pregnancy symptoms and the hope of a second child consumed me.
The symptoms continued. More negative pregnancy tests followed. I have no idea what is making me feel sick.
But I am choosing, today, to move on.
I’m choosing to enjoy my son as he learns to eats solid foods and reach out to touch my face for the first time. As he babbles endlessly and rolls over. As he giggles when I sing his favorite songs.
And I will not mourn this not being the Lord’s timing for us to have another child.
I will thank the Lord for the good gift He has given us!