Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.
Hoping is a dangerous business. Especially when it’s for something you desire above anything else. I find myself in a continual paradox — how do I remain hopeful, and at the same time find peace and contentment with my current situation? It seems the only way I can find peace is to forget that getting pregnant was ever an option.
I cried a bucket full of tears last week. I had hoped, prayed, and done everything I could to remain off of birth control and still stave off this endometriosis. My hope that I’d get pregnant soared higher than it had in many months. And, at first I did really well. I had two really great months that were essentially pain-free. Until February came along. And now my nemesis– that is, this daily endometriosis pain that ranges from dull to sharp, as well as indigestion, is back with a vengeance. Even still, my deepest concern is that another cyst is present, threatening yet another surgery in the near future.
All of this will have to be confirmed with an ultrasound. I have an appointment with my doctor this week. On my birthday. Although I love my ob/gyn, my track record with ob/gyn appointments have never been an uplifting experience. If only she could give me good news (for just once!). Even when I try to brace myself for the suspected bad news, I still usually leave with tears in my eyes. If I’m to be honest, I’m dreading walking into her waiting room and taking my seat among all the pregnant ladies waiting to be seen.
Throughout all of this, I continue to pray and persevere in waiting for our precious adopted baby to join our family, hopefully soon. I, as well as other close friends of mine have all had dreams about our adopted baby! It isn’t reality yet, but it feels like a glimpse into reality for just a moment, and I am grateful for that. It spurs me on to keep praying… and to keep hoping.
I lift my eyes up to the hills. From where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.