Heart Sick

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

Hoping is a dangerous business. Especially when it’s for something you desire above anything else. I find myself in a continual paradox — how do I remain hopeful, and at the same time find peace and contentment with my current situation? It seems the only way I can find peace is to forget that getting pregnant was ever an option.

I cried a bucket full of tears last week. I had hoped, prayed, and done everything I could to remain off of birth control and still stave off this endometriosis. My hope that I’d get pregnant soared higher than it had in many months. And, at first I did really well. I had two really great months that were essentially pain-free. Until February came along. And now my nemesis– that is, this daily endometriosis pain that ranges from dull to sharp, as well as indigestion, is back with a vengeance. Even still, my deepest concern is that another cyst is present, threatening yet another surgery in the near future.

All of this will have to be confirmed with an ultrasound. I have an appointment with my doctor this week. On my birthday. Although I love my ob/gyn, my track record with ob/gyn appointments have never been an uplifting experience. If only she could give me good news (for just once!). Even when I try to brace myself for the suspected bad news, I still usually leave with tears in my eyes. If I’m to be honest, I’m dreading walking into her waiting room and taking my seat among all the pregnant ladies waiting to be seen.

Throughout all of this, I continue to pray and persevere in waiting for our precious adopted baby to join our family, hopefully soon. I, as well as other close friends of mine have all had dreams about our adopted baby! It isn’t reality yet, but it feels like a glimpse into reality for just a moment, and I am grateful for that. It spurs me on to keep praying… and to keep hoping.

I lift my eyes up to the hills. From where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

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5 Comments

Filed under Adoption, Endometriosis, Infertility

5 responses to “Heart Sick

  1. you can remain hopeful but still be at peace…it isn’t easy but it can be done. like you i pursued adoption as a family building option rather than go crazy trying to get pregnant. Adoption was a true blessing for me and honestly becoming a mama will immediately shift your perspective on well….everything. I no longer had time to seek doctors for treatment, haunt the internet all day and night or think about my sad state of fertility or lack thereof. I was living the dream and I believe God used it as an integral part of my healing. I was literally loved back to life.
    adoption was a sure thing…I knew it was going to happen and it took the stress off my body to do this “baby” thing. I allowed myself to dream about the baby to come- the one you mentioned dreaming about. I read books about adoption, did research online, started my baby registry, and every now and then allowed myself to make small purchases – a book, a cute onsie, a cd. That time was my “pregnancy” and I really enjoyed it. I know waiting is hard but this kind of waiting is hopeful – not tear-filled. I just really want to encourage you to stay the course.. Keep believing. do your research and seek a new doctor if you have too many unpleasant memories with this one – start fresh. You can adopt without giving up on dreams of a biological child. In the mean time – stay in your word and get your scriptures to keep your faith tight. His love is unfailing and He will not let you down.

    • Adoption has been one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. I chose through foster care, because the traumatic emotions of infertility led me to understand that I could succeed at being a mom to someone in need, right then, to help start to repair my heart. My baby girl moved in at three months old, and today, at just over two, she is the reason I laugh, smile, and dream, instead of haunting the Internet for answers. Have faith, keep praying, and God will be with you

  2. Seespeakhearmama and Southfortyamanda — you ladies are a huge encouragement to me! Thank you so much for sharing some of your situation and how much adoption has helped to heal you. I think I need to switch gears and focus more on our adoption, and less on my infertility. As I told my husband earlier today, the Lord has always been faithful and He will not stop being faithful. This trial is hard, but there is a purpose to it. Someday, when I hold our precious adopted baby in my arms, I know I will be thanking God for my infertility. Thanks for the reminder to keep looking to Christ and to wait with expectant hope. May the Lord bless you both!

  3. Pingback: A “But Not” Moment | mercynew

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