I love it when my husband shares his heart with me. He’s not an overly-communicative kind of guy, so when he shares his thoughts with me, I stop and listen. While I had been out watching “October Baby” yesterday, he came home from work and watched the episode we were required to watch for our adoption agency, “16 and Pregnant.” Now, I know I already blogged about this TV show (read about it here), as it had a profound impact on me. I’m not trying to be redundant here, but it turned out that my hubby was pretty affected by the show as well.
“So what did you think?” I asked about the show as we worked on dinner together in the kitchen. He stopped what he was doing and looked at me. His expression became serious as he thought about it, almost pained. “You know,” he said, taking a deep breath, “I guess it really hit home that there are a lot of things we’re going to miss out on. We’re never going to go in for an ultrasound. We’re never going to be able to look at ultrasound pictures and guess who the baby looks more like. We’re never going to go through the birthing process… and I guess, well… I guess I’m just really sad about that.” He came over to me and gave me a tight hug as tears filled my eyes. I was finally hearing the words from him that I had inwardly thought so many times in the past months.
In that moment, something odd happened. I was tempted to apologize for who I was, for what was wrong with me, as I had done so in the past. But the Spirit caught me. A verse came to mind. “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” In the past I had always thought of an unborn baby when reading that verse. Someone else’s baby. But what about my mom’s baby– me? I’m not sure why I never thought of it that way. But I knew the Lord would not have me apologize for His creation, and I also knew it was the last thing my husband was looking to hear.
“Are you okay?” My husband asked me. I dried off my tears as I nodded. I was okay, and it surprised me. Usually I was a mess by this point. Sad beyond sad. Instead of falling apart, we ate dinner together and enjoyed the evening.
A shift happened yesterday. It was a very minute one, but an important one nonetheless. It was the first time I didn’t begrudge the fact that I had endometriosis. The first time I hadn’t wished with all my heart that things were different, that something could have been done to stop the damage inside me. Today as I was reading my Bible, another verse spoke to me, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” I see this process already happening. He’s doing it. I may have wept over my husband’s freshly realized sorrows yesterday. But I’m drying off those tears and moving on.