We had a lengthy orientation on the phone yesterday by one of Bethany’s social workers. She answered a lot of the questions we had and gave us valuable advice. One of her questions for me, however, was if I had resolved my “infertility issues.” I knew the question was coming because I had received an overview of the points she wanted to make prior to our conversation. I had been ruminating on the question for quite a while.
So, had I resolved my infertility issues?
Well, they seem a lot more resolved now than they did 6 months ago. But I can’t say with absolute certainty that the door’s been closed and locked shut. There is still this twinge I feel, this deep longing to deliver a baby of my own. To know exactly where it’s genetic make-up comes from. To not have to worry about whether my child will be confused as to who his or her birth mother really is and whether she loves them or not. Not that all adopted children go through this… but some do. And this is not to say that non-adopted kids don’t go through issues of their own. There are no guarantees in life (something I’ve learned more about recently).
I don’t know if this longing in my heart will ever go away. It’s been there for such a long time. Maybe the desire will be lessened when we adopt, or go away all together. But even greater still, I can’t deny that the Lord may do a beautiful work in our family when we bring home our adopted child. And I hope that one day I can close this door of infertility only to see that I’ve stepped through into something greater. May He work in unexpected ways.